Tuesday, April 30, 2013

All that I kept tucked away inside.

I continue to learn how important it is to get close to your partner.  I can think of all the deep conversations that I have never had.   All that I kept tucked away inside.   The more you share, the more you grow together.  I want to make financial plans.   I want to talk about how many kids I want.  I want to share all my little turn ons.  I want to share all of my anxieties.   Communication has eluded me.   I was good at surface.   But I was not good at getting deep.  I get excited about spilling my guts to someone.   Someone that will be able to love me for me. 

I already know that everything that has gone wrong for me was my own fault.  Admitting that is the first step.   I have nothing to blame on anyone but me.   Now the exciting part is to tackle those issues.   So far so good. 

Good article on ways to ruin your marriage/relationship -

http://www.probe.org/site/c.fdKEIMNsEoG/b.4218333/k.1C9/Trash_Your_Marriage_in_Eight_Easy_Steps.htm

On your knees

Perspective is a word that keeps coming up in my thoughts.   It is something that I lost.   And after all that I have been through, that never ever should have happened.   But it did, and I know that the intense pain that I feel this time around is my punishment and also to ensure that it will never happen again.
I had lost everything once before.   I had no vision of any kind of future.   But then I was given a second chance to have everything.   Yet I could not let go of my anger.   I let everything build up into massive anxiety.   And I forgot where I had been and how far that I came.  This is the biggest sin of my life.  
I know God will forgive me for this.   I just don't know if and when I will be able to forgive myself.  

I am stronger than ever before.  My faith keeps me focused.   I know that the things that I have done are behind me.

But will I ever be able to forgive myself for how I treated you?   I should have never directed any anger towards you for anything.   You did nothing to deserve it.   You loved me truly.  I wish that I was mature enough then to know what love was so I could have grabbed on to it forever.  

I have found so many things on Pintrest that have helped me during this time.   Here is one for today...

against all odds.

I had a dream last night that I came home from work and you were in my kitchen just like many days past.  I came up behind you, and pressed up against you, pulling up your skirt.   The rest is too intense for this blog. 
The amount of opportunities that I had to share the intensity that I feel for you were plentiful.   Yet there were not enough of these stories.   Its one of the many things that would have built and straightened the bond between us.   It is one of my painful regrets.  Anxiety and complacency took over my life and sapped out the fire in my heart.  
I will continue to be faithful, against all odds.  People have dedicated their lives to less and even died for it.   Sometimes your convictions grab you and you cant fight them.
I know that you and your circle think that I am a monster.  I can tell by the way they have treated me.   There is always hope for you all to see what I am now.   And if not, there will be a new circle.  I thank God for making me the man he wanted me to be.   I look forward to Him letting me show it off. 

It's easy to give up something when you are satisfied.