Tuesday, December 31, 2013

I love you with all that I am.

I know you will probably never read this. You are a Scorpio through and through. "Scorpio's rarely forgive emotional rejection". I know that's how you see what happened. However things couldn't be further from the truth. All that has happened is because of my own issues. I loved you more than anything in the world then, and I love you more than I love myself now.  I hope that one day you can believe in second chances.   I hope that one day you can forgive.  

Unfortunately the feeling that I have every morning is eerily familiar to me.   It had been a while since I felt it, but now it is once again a daily experience.  Every morning I come out of a dream world, which whether good or bad, is nowhere near as painful as my reality.  I felt this for years after I got sick.   Waking up from anywhere in the universe, to a planet where I couldn't even get out of my bed.   Life got better and it slowly faded.   But I managed to create the nightmare for myself once again. 

You told me to stay away.   You have moved on.   But I have to fight for what I hoped would be my future.   2013 was going to bring marriage.   Now it brings emotional turmoil and lack of hope.

If there is any chance that you do actually read this, I know there could be consequences.   You will show it to your boyfriend.   Hell you already showed him last time I tried to pour my heart out.   I don't even care.   You know where I live.   Send anyone you want.  "Fear the man who has nothing left to lose."

The mistakes I made had nothing to do with you.   They had everything to do with me.   But we were supposed to be best friends.   And you were mine.   My insides rot knowing that I did not share everything with you.   I was insecure.   There were things that I thought if I told you that you might leave.  The irony is the things that I didn't tell you made you leave.   You told me to tell you all my secrets and I didn't.   I thought things were wrong with me.   I thought I was having issues because of my health.   I thought that if I told you things that I liked, you might leave.   I just couldn't bare the thought of you leaving.   But I lost you because of that fear.  

I always thought life was linear.  I'm not convinced of that now.   A man can not let his past define is future.   What happened between us ripped my heart out.   It may end up to be the worst moment of my life.   However sadly I realize it needed to happen.  I was a closed book.  I was selfish.  All of the fights and issues that we had were because I did not understand true love.  I was prideful.   I put my ego before us.   Now I understand true love completely.   I want to be your best friend.   I want to tell you everything.   I want to completely dedicate my life and my soul to you.   What happened between us could make the future stronger than it ever could have been.   I know if you knocked on my door I could be the most dedicated friend and husband on the planet.   I also know I will most likely never get that chance. 

I will be here everyday.   This is how I will get through this.   I will respect that you do not want to hear from me and that you have moved on with someone else.   However if you do this is where I will be.   Every day I will talk to you here.   And every time my phone makes noise, I will pray that it is you, as I have been. 

I love you with all that I am.