Tuesday, March 19, 2013

you just never know where those lessons will take you.

A relationship is like a flower, the more you water it the more it blooms.   This is such a common quote, yet so many of us do not keep it in the forefront of our minds.   I feel I definitely did not do this on a daily basis. 

Watching this cheesy french romance movie, as terrible as it is, it makes me realize all the things that I did not do during our relationship..   I know at times, when we were together, I also wished that in certain areas you did more for me.  But now I realize that I should have taken control.   If I would have done these things for you, I likely would have gotten them back.  

I definitely wonder what the end of this story will be.   I know all there is to do is to ride it out.   Will I be able to use all these lessons I have learned on us?  Or will someone new get the benefit?   It is so amazing how life works.  God brings you to things to teach you lessons.   As painful as they are, you just never know where those lessons will take you.  

my heart has been cold.

I have come to realize that for some time my heart has been cold.  Lately I have been able to open it and let it warm up.   I know it will probably be some time before I love myself.   I am very excited for the next person I am with to have all of my heart and not just most of it. 

I continue to do stupid, desperate things in order to fix this.  I know every article on the internet tells me to play it cool.   I get that.   However I wear my emotions on my sleeve.   I should listen to these articles and the advice of my friends and family.   What I am doing hasn't worked so why not.   As much as I want to scream my feelings from the rooftop, it is not the way to handle this. 

I still can not believe you have moved on so easily.  I'll admit that still eats at me.  Not for any reason of jealousy.   It just tends to trivialize what we had.   Maybe for you it was nothing, while I am sitting here unable to give my heart away because I am still in love. 

I'm a horrible person.  God gave me the greatest gift that I ever could have dreamed of.   I know that God will forgive me but can I forgive myself.   And will I ever get that gift again. 

The future is so scary right now.   I keep picturing the future I let slip away, rather than this one that it unknown. 

I will keep healing myself and doing the things that will make me the man I am supposed to be.   What comes of it, I will keep praying for.