Focus.

Things I am experiencing seem to be mimicking my life.   At least I know I am not alone.   Plenty have been here before.   Its amazing how we can unravel so subtly and not even notice until its too late.   I can pinpoint now where I started to lose my focus.   Events following last summer and into the fall.   I can remember my thoughts and subtle actions then, while not noticing the path they were leading me down.  Its amazing how a person can not recognize themselves.  Its like looking in the mirror and not seeing your own reflection.   How strange would that feel?  It is amazing what time can do.
All I want is to get my foot in the door.   I still fantasize about it.   Jamming my foot between the door and the frame for that opportunity.   But if I had it would I really take it?  Would I even want it?
I continue to walk the balance beam, careful not to fall off.   Next time, it will not be my fault.   I could so easily medicate this the wrong way.   Then in the end I would still be swimming in self blame.  This time is different.   If I fail, it is because it never was, or because something better was waiting.  
When you want something in life, you must give it every ounce of your energy.   It must consume your thoughts.   It must influence all of your actions. 
I lost my focus so that I would never ever lose my focus again.   The harshest lessons build strength and determination.  And steadfast focus.  

Catch 22

My anxiety over my health has been a major problem, especially during the last year.  Its been a Catch 22.   I have found out that worrying about things to much have actually caused them to manifest.  I have to work on my mental health in order to improve my physical health.   The sad part is I really had no idea my mental health was in such a bad state.  It was the downfall of everything. 

I will continue to be faithful to my plan and hope for the best, despite the odds.   This time will continue to make me the person I was meant to be.   I am so ready to be redeemed.  I know there is a slight possibility of a miracle.  Either way I deserved this pain and punishment.   I will continue to wait on God.