At this point this is out of my hands. I have to let it go. What I am doing is pathetic and unattractive. If this is meant to be - it will be. It can be repaired. If it is completely broken then it was doomed from the start. This has to be about me and not us. My rehabilitation. My journey to be the person I can be proud of.
I am not a great person. I think that for the most part I am a good person. But I am not a great person. I am not an exceptional person. This is because I am selfish.
I never really thought too much about that before. As I progress through therapy and church and self-reflection, I realize how much I have been selfish. I have put my own needs before others. I did it with you. I have done it with past relationships. The saddest part is I never realized it until now.
I tried to solve all my issues on my own. And I had a partner who willingly was there to listen to anything that I had to say. I didn't utilize that. How can a relationship be that deep without that? I should have showed you everything inside and out. I guess I was so worried you wouldn't love that man. Because I don't.
I want to try and be as selfless as possible. I try to make that my first thought every morning now. I am second. I am panicking over my own needs. I just lost the person I wanted to be my wife. I wont be having kids this year. And I will have to attend all kinds of events where my closest friends get to do these things. But Envy is one of the deadly sins. And there is a plan for me. Obviously I was not ready. I need to live each day so I can be proud of myself. I need to put everyone else before myself. If I do that, I may be able to love myself again. And its possible that the things that I am panicking about will come when I least expect them.
I think about how scared I was to have you live here. Mostly because you seemed so scared. I felt like I was so worried about it not working I convinced myself to wait. Now all I think about is how fun it would be to share this household. To run it as a team. To thank each other every day for the things that the other person accomplished. Is this as simple as the grass is always greener on the other side? The things that scared me, now I would kill for. Life is cruel like that I guess. I wish I knew then what I knew now. Because I cant fix it.
