I am second. Its something that I have been learning in church. They teach you to apply it to your everyday life, remembering that everything that you do is for God first, and yourself second.
I wish I could apply this to you. This would have kept us together. I should have always put our relationship and your needs first and my own second. I know that I did not do that. And I know that practicing that one thing alone would have prevented all of my pain.
I keep acting like I can fix it. I can practice this lesson every day. My friends keep reminding me that I might not get the chance. I might have to apply it with someone else. There cant be a someone else. I cant fathom it.
I keep thinking about Block Island. Sitting on a couch, reading a book in comfortable silence. I remember having a moment thinking that there is no place that I would rather be. And that is because of who I was with, not where I was.
There is a trip planned this summer. I tell my friends to count me in plus one. They probably think I am a joke at this point, but they keep supporting me.
The guilt of not being able to be there for you right now is tearing me apart. I deserve a place in hell for that.
Please come home.
