I will be provided for.

Church group hit home in so many ways tonight.   These guys are saving me.  Some of them are so young but yet because of their faith are light years ahead of where I was at their age. 

One of the other guys went through a break up this week as well.   Its nice to have someone else in your corner, although I would wish it on no one. 

We are reading "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis.  The chapters we read tonight hit home so hard with my situation.   One chapter is about humility.  This is something that I have been working so hard on.  I have been trying hard to put my own needs beneath the bigger picture and the plan for me.  I know there is something that I desire so much right now, but maybe this is not the right time, or maybe you are not even the right person for me.  

The other chapter was about living in the present, and not dwelling on the past or having anxiety about the future.   Obviously I am absolutely terrible at this right now.   All I want to do is control my future and I have no control. 

We prayed to be better men of God which will make us better future husbands. We prayed for me to stop stressing over how this will end up.    Even if I don't get what I want, I will be provided for.   There is a woman out there waiting. 

Like a closed book.

Andy: My wife used to say I'm a hard man to know. Like a closed book. Complained about it all the time. She was beautiful. God, I loved her. I just didn't know how to show it, that's all. [pause] I killed her Red. I didn't pull the trigger. But I drove her away. That's why she died, because of me. The way I am.

From "Shawshank Redepmtion".  A good way to describe how I have felt about myself.   I'm glad I am making strides through this.   It has been hard work to be so open with my friends and family about this situation.   It has been a breath of fresh air to be so brutally honest about the things that I have done wrong and how I wish that I can fix them.   I'm so thankful to them for having my back.  

And for some reason the radio keeps haunting me today - "I have loved you for a thousand years;
I'll love you for a thousand more".