P.S. I love you.

I've decided that I need to put a more positive spin on everything.   This is my 50th post.  Why not make it a turning point.  I even deleted some posts that I had scheduled that were written in anger.  
What is done is done.   As much as I would love to change what has happened, every single human being has wanted the same.   And we all know Back To The Future is just a movie.  I also know that what has happened, happened to me for a reason.  I know it had to go down that way to improve my character and make me realize that I need to get over my intimacy issues and allow me to be an open book to my partner. 
I still hope that one day, I will get the chance to apologize to you.   The fact that my issues hurt you is a terrible, horrible thing.  And I still care about you more than myself. 
I will now try and slow every day down.  Life for the moment, and live my best.   I will continue to live second.   And I will continue to have hope while trying to balance it with acceptance.  
I will continue to let go of my anger and regret.   And I will take this journey one day at a time.   I will continue to dream of life's potential. 
I forgive you for moving on and will stop judging and assuming things as a result of that. 
I know I will still deal with all the stages of grief.   But one day, one hour, one minute at a time, I will do my best and battle and learn and become the man God wants me to be.   The husband and the father that my family to be determined needs. 

P.S.  I love you.  

I think I am swimming in 2, 3, and 4.

Grieving a break-up

1. Denial – The person getting broken up with is unable to admit that the relationship is really over. They may try to continue to call the person when that person wants to be left alone.

2. Anger – When the reality sets in that the relationship is over, it is common to demand to know why they are being broken up with. This phase can make them feel like they are being treated unfairly and it may cause them to become angry at people close to them who want to help aid the situation.

3. Bargaining – After the anger stage, one will try to plead with their former partner by promising that whatever caused the breakup will never happen again. Example: “I can change. Please give me a chance”.

4. Depression – Next the person might feel discouraged that their bargaining plea did not convince their former partner to change their mind. This will send the person into the depression stage and can cause a lack of sleep, eating and even disrupt daily life tasks such as bowel movements.

5. Acceptance – Moving on from the situation and person is the last stage. The person accepts that the relationship is over and begins to move forward with their life. The person might not be completely over the situation but they are done going back and forth to the point where they can accept the reality of the situation.

I think I am swimming in 2, 3, and 4.  

never been in real love before.

I realize now that I have never been in real love before.   Who knew it would take until my thirties.   I know that I have had glimpses of it.   You have the high school super intense love, having the silly thought that yes, this will be the only girl I will ever be with for the rest of my life.   In college I had someone who as a person meant the world to me and who I would do anything for.   But in the end when we split up I don't think I needed them.  I had someone in my 20's that I was with for a very long time.   But again when it was over, its was over.   This is different.   This is needing someone.   This is worrying and caring about someone every day, even when you cant be with them.   This is knowing who I am supposed to spend my life with.   This is regretting not giving that person the best of me.   Here is to hoping for an Easter miracle.  

I am made of clear plastic.

They say what makes me lucky is that I know who I want.  I dont feel lucky.  I would almost rather it be unknown.   Because what I want is taken by another.  
My head is so clear right now I feel like people looking at me can see my brain.  They can see every heartbeat.   I am made of clear plastic.  They watch the blood run through my veins with new found passion. 
I reach to the sky to pull down a miracle.   When it comes I will be the brightest light in the world.   You will see me from space that day.   And I will weep a river.  I know that its possible if my heart desires it enough.   And my heart is relentless. 
Divorce the old me and date the new me.   I'll turn it into infinity.