I am sitting here paying bills. Not exactly a fun activity. Every time I have done this in the past few months, it has made me realize how much I desire to combine my life with someone. I want someone who I can share everyone and everything with, even the mundane chores of our finances.
I feel that if I really opened myself up to someone, all my anxiety would go away. It would flow out of me and I could be free again. I hope I get this chance. My anxiety has been worse than ever.
It has been a rough couple of days as the chaos continues. I continue to learn about myself both in the present and the past. I realize now more than ever how anxiety and fear has ruled my life for sometime. I will continue to find the root of it and push it out of my life.
I continue to pray for things I want in the future, and at the same time continue to accept that they will likely never be. I continue to accept that some of the things that I thought were true in my past were never real. Time continues to reveal things to me. I am accepting that this experience had to happen to me. If it did not there are things that I never would have addressed. It is just very hard to be in the middle of it. I'm like a child who lost his pacifier.
