Monday, March 18, 2013

things that I want to apologize for.

I am going to keep a list of things that I want to apologize for.  I will add the new ones that I think of as I remember them to the bottom of each entry. 

Getting upset about you wanting to change our dinner reservation for our six month anniversary dinner.   This was my ego getting in the way.   I thought that you were unhappy with something that I was trying to do that was nice for you and I took it personally.  I should have put you first.   Who cares.

Not planning a better birthday for you this past year.   I convinced myself this was the right thing to do considering the weather situation.   However, our relationship should have trumped any situation and I should have found a way to make it better.  

Not communicating with you better about our sex life.   This often came up in fights.   I should have been so much more open with you.    I did not tell you about all the things that interested me and I did not ask you about all the things that interested you.  I also had some personal issues that I was dealing with in this area and did not express them to you.  Instead I tried to figure them out myself.   I never have been attracted to someone like I am to you, and it is such a waste that I did this and can sit here and think about how it could have been. 

Not asking you to move in sooner.   I'd give anything to have you with me everyday.   I was scared because every time we discussed it, I think both of us had some fears.   I thought because we weren't always getting along we weren't ready.   I should have asked you and put your needs first.  

Getting drunk and losing control the night we went to dinner for my friends birthdays.  I let jealousy and insecurities come out in my state.   I know we got past it, but it still haunts me.   How embarrassing at this age.  

Going to Montauk without you.   Sure I had wished you were more honest with me about me going.   But the point is at this age, things like that should never be done without each other.   I should have put you first.  

Looking at inappropriate things on-line.   If I was doing those things, you should have known about it.   See above about sex life.   I was doing things like that because I was scared to tell you I was having issues and that there were things I were interested in that I feared if I told you that you might leave.  

Not proposing sooner.   I should have asked you to move in and then we should have gotten engaged at the same time.   I should never have waited.

Not treating you like the love of my life every day.   Because that is what you were to me.   I know that at times I got complacent and did not show it.   You should have been knocked off your feet every single day.  I should have kissed you more and hugged you longer.  

Messing up our future.  I know you were even doing financials to see how things would work when we moved in together.   I appreciated that so much. 

Not being there for your tragedy.   I know this was after we broke up.   But my job was to always take care of you and I failed. 

Letting you leave.   I should have never packed up your things for you and let you come get them.   This was my opportunity to fight for you.   I