dare to be great situation.

"Time heals all wounds" is a hugely popular cliche in our culture.  Sometimes time doesn't seem to heal a thing.   People keep saying this to me and I try to believe it.   Maybe the word "time" just means a longer period than I would like it to be.  If anything I am more in love now than I ever was.   And this despite all that has happened.   I probably should not even type that for the anonymous public to read.   At this point its just pathetic to let myself feel that way for someone who probably has not thought about me once in months.  
I had a bad day I guess with this today.   I'm allowed I am told.  Everything else in my life is moving with purpose and passion.   I guess its natural to want to bring you into that.
The frustration comes from being stuck.   I cant seem to move forward and I know you wont come back.   So I am stuck in the middle.  The middle of a transformation combined with the anxiety of wanting to have a wife living here with me and progressing towards a family.   But I have to comb through this mess alone, because it is not fair for me to give a girl a heart that would only be partially hers.   I tried that already.
I want the story to run like ours did.   Two people who meet in a room and blast off.   It moved so fast because it felt so right, which is how it should be.   I don't want it to be cool and calculated.   I want that dare to be great situation.  I want the fireworks.   I want us to look at each other and say lets do this forever.   I wish we got there.   I feel like we were so close but I failed.   In my mind I still run through the fantasy of it still happening.   But I know most likely we will both find this elsewhere.   And I know sadly it will probably be a while before I am open enough to even let those sparks in again. 
Two more days till Thursday and five more till Sunday.   I know I will be learning and growing so much this week. 

Who I am hates who I've been

This song was obviously written for me -

RELIENT K

"Who I Am Hates Who I've Been"

I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I'm losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus]
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

[Chorus]
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus x2]
[Chorus]

Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I've been
'cause who I've been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

 

5 Benefits Drawn Out from Sorrow

Zack Eswine

 

"To be cast down is often the best thing that could happen to us" (Charles Spurgeon).
It is rarely wise and often unkind to say what Spurgeon says here while someone loses their job, weeps by the graveside of a loved one, or vomits from the chemo. In such moments, sometimes nothing is the best thing said. We weep with those who weep. We mourn with those who mourn (Romans 12:15). We pray and cry out to God on their behalf. Spurgeon's declaration doesn't come automatically as we know full well how sorrows can potentially affect a person negatively—it can harden, embitter, and make one cynical about God and people.

Benefits to Sorrow?

How then can there be benefits to sorrow? Spurgeon points us to Jesus. Jesus is called, Immanuel, God with us. He is not the God who gives us immunity from the world. Rather, he is the God who does not leave us when people, sicknesses, the weather, or devils do their worst. Spurgeon therefore makes the healing claim, "There is no remedy for sorrow beneath the sun like the sorrows of Immanuel...The sympathy of Jesus is the next most precious thing to his sacrifice."
Jesus sympathizes with our weakness (Heb. 4:15), speaks to our sorrows, and orders them to serve his purposes. He brings them into his own counsel to promote his intentions and to reverse and thwart foul tidings (Gen. 5:20). With Jesus having authority over our sorrows in mind, Spurgeon identifies a handful of benefits recovered as Jesus walks with us through the valley.

1. Sorrow teaches us to resist trite views of what maturity in Jesus looks like.

Faith is not frownless. Maturity is not painless. It is the presence of Jesus and not the absence of happiness that designates the situation and provides our hope. Spurgeon says it this way, "Depression of spirit is no index of declining grace. The very loss of joy and the absence of assurance may be accompanied by the greatest advancement in the spiritual life...We do not want rain all the days of the week and all the weeks of the year, but if the rain comes sometimes, it makes the fields fertile and the streams flow."

2. Sorrow exposes and roots out our pride.

Perhaps we can think of it this way. When standing at a garage sale, the saying goes, "One man's trash is another man's treasure." We often mix-up what is trash and treasure to Jesus. Sorrow helps show us where we've been passing over treasures for trash. "We are very apt to grow too big," Spurgeon says. "It is a good thing for us to be taken down a notch or two. We sometimes rise too high in our own estimation. Unless the Lord took away some of our joy, we should be utterly destroyed by pride."

It is the presence of Jesus and not the absence of happiness that designates the situation and provides our hope.

3. Sorrow pushes us to take an honest second look at ourselves and our situations.

Sorrow unthreads the hem of our rationalizations. Spurgeon continues, "When this downcasting comes, it gets us to work at self-examination...When your house has been made to shake, it has caused you to see whether it was founded upon a rock."

4. Sorrow is a means of drawing us closer to Jesus in truer dependence.

Do you remember the cartoon with Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner? In one episode, the Coyote used a saw to cut a circular hole out from underneath Road Runner's feet. But when the hole was completed, it wasn't Road Runner that fell. Rather, the rest of the floor crumbled down all around and upon the Coyote while the Road Runner was left still standing upon his piece of floor.
Jesus stays put though everything else may fall around us. Strength emerges. Spurgeon says it this way, "When we were little boys and were out at evening, we would walk with our father. Sometimes we would run on a long way ahead, but every now and then, there would be a big dog loose on the road, and it is astonishing how closely we clung to our father then."

5. Sorrow teaches us empathy for one another.

Spurgeon says, "If we had never been in trouble ourselves, we should be very poor comforters of others...It would be no disadvantage to a surgeon if he once knew what it was to have a broken bone. You may depend upon his touch being more tender afterwords; he would not be so rough with his patients as he might have been if he had never felt such pain himself."
Jesus shows us his wounds, the slanders, the manipulations, the injustices, the body blows, the mistreatments piled onto him. From there he loves, still (Romans 5:8). He invites us into fellowship with his empathy. We receive it from him in depth. Truly, we rise again and actually give, maybe for the first time in our lives.

For more see Spurgeon's sermons, The Man of Sorrows and Sweet Stimulants for the Fainting Soul

Forest for the trees.

I dont think reading this could have come at a better time than tonight.

CANCER horoscope for Apr, 16, 2013 (The DailyHoroscope by Comitic)

Be as grateful for your burdens as you are for your blessings, Moonchild. You may be going through some tough stuff that has you questioning your place in this life. You may be feeling unlucky right now because of some of the troubles you're facing. And while you probably can't see the forest for the trees at this time, there is a reason for the struggles and the strife. Even though you can't yet understand the reason, show gratitude for the lessons by absorbing and learning as much as you can, and trying to be the best person you can be.


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