My walls have crumbled.

I realize how much I have come to lean on myself and myself only over the past years.  I think I was always this way.  Even as a kid I remember always trying to figure things out on my own.  I remember having no problem spending lots of time alone.  I think ever since I got sick, someone who was already able to be a loner became much worse.  Its hard when you have a problem that is so big and complex that you feel like no one you can vent to will understand.  It was such a dark and lonely place.   But the worst part is I became used to it.
I sit in this men's group with these guys and we all open up with our deepest feelings.  And when I hear myself talk, sometimes I cant believe it is me.   I'm pouring out my thoughts like never before.   I'm telling a group of strangers about my pain and agony over what I have lost.  My ego is gone.   My walls have crumbled.  It is an amazing feeling.  
The best part about my current situation is everyone in that room can relate.   Even the strongest Christians have been there.  And we all support each other in learning from it and preventing the same mistakes in times ahead. 
I have spent so much of the past few months in that church.   And every time I walk out I feel stronger and happier.  It is where I should have been all along.   As difficult as the circumstances are, I am so glad I was pulled there.  

The right overwhelms the wrong.

The world is not meant to be fair. It is a maddening place filled with bad and evil. But the good shines through. The right overwhelms the wrong. The very real good slays the very real evil. The smiles break through the tears.

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2013/04/18/boston-waco-america-do-not-abandon-hope/#ixzz2QqN6JBVP

This is a great read.  

Curiosity instead of apprehension

CANCER horoscope for Apr, 18, 2013 (The DailyHoroscope by Comitic)

If you want to come up with the best solution to a current dilemma, you will need to take your time and do it right. Putting pressure on yourself to find an answer will only lead you to frustration and a lot of dead ends. Approach your problem with curiosity instead of apprehension, and you might even enjoy the experience. There is more than one way to address the matter, and it's up to you to figure out what will work best in your circumstances. Take your time and allow the ideas to come to you, rather than pursuing them frantically.


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communcation skills

I realize that my communication skills were terrible.   They are getting so much better.  But most of my life they were terrible.   Not only do I not communicate things that are issues for me in a relationship, but I also do not spend enough time communicating good things, like compliments and things that are making me happy.  
The major reason that I have found a new therapist is to work on this issue.   I want to be completely open the next time I am in a relationship. So far its been going very smooth and I am proud of the progress that I have made. 
My therapist thinks I was scared of commitment every time we had any issue.   She could be right.   She says I was 75% percent in when there was stress.   And if I would have told you this we could have worked it out.   She says now you have learned you are 100% ready for marriage, even if it came through pain. 
I wish all the time that I told you how much I loved you every day, and how amazing that I thought you were.  There were so many wonderful feelings I had but I bottled so much up and ruined it.