There's not a day goes by I don't feel regret.

I watch a lot of jail shows.  It amazing listening to prisoners that commit a terrible crime and they are almost now bewildered at how they once were capable of that.   That is how I feel now.   How many different people are we during our lives?  Our experiences shape us.   The me that existed 6 months ago is gone.    The me that existed 5 years ago is gone.  The me that existed 10 years ago is gone.   Because you cant go back to that person.   Too much has happened and that person is erased.   I suppose it is the same with these criminals.   They did something horrible and the feelings and experiences that they have gone through since then have changed them forever.  

That is me right now.   How did I let the enemy take over my heart?  How was I unhappy when I had so much?  And how am I re-discovering happiness when I have nothing?

Again, from "Shawshank Redemption" - Red: "There's not a day goes by I don't feel regret. Not because I'm in here, or because you think I should. I look back on the way I was then: a young, stupid kid who committed that terrible crime. I want to talk to him. I want to try and talk some sense to him, tell him the way things are. But I can't. That kid's long gone and this old man is all that's left. I got to live with that.

And something happened. Something terrible. And the way that they saw themselves is gone - Mad Men 03-13

Keep going and you will have it.

Its tough to deal with something when you know it is all your fault.   I'm loving living everyday more carefully and slowing everything down, hour by hour, bit by bit.   The now is good.   But the past continues to haunt me.   I was not in the right state of mind.  I was living sloppy.   I think about the possibility of getting a due over which is impossible.   But what does make me excited is thinking about the possibilities that lie ahead.   I'm so prepared now for opportunity. 
My horoscope has been scarily accurate lately.  This is today's -

Are you thinking about giving up on an effort that has consumed a fair amount of your time and energy?  If so, that's fine.  Unless, that is, you haven't also given up on wanting it.  If you still want it, then no Moonchild - do not give up.   Here's a little pep rally for you:  you are tenacious, you are smart, you are determined, and you are talented.  Maybe you are a little tired - so go ahead and take a break.  But don't give up for as long as you want what you want.   Keep going and you will have it. 

I will not give up. 

It should grab you and hold you

Maybe I take love too seriously.  Maybe it is just another game in life.   When you read all these Internet articles on dating and love, there are all these "rules".  Be a challenge.   Don't call the girl for a few days.   Don't give them your weekends right away.   I read articles about breaking up and there are all these "rules" there too.   Don't contact the person for months.   Don't tell them you still love them.   I am not good with these rules.   I think love should be a serious thing and not a chess game.   If you love someone, you love them.  You should ooze it and want to shout it from the rooftop.   If you don't love them, its simple, just walk away and keep searching.   I guess this is why I am not good at dating.   You either have that connection or you don't.   I want to walk into a room and feel that jolt.   I don't understand meeting someone over and over again and hoping that it grows into something.   It is either there or it is not.   Love is serious.  It should grab you and hold you and linger long after it is gone.  But if you ask most people, I am the one that is wrong while everyone else is right.