You definitely created a situation for me to take away any of my control. I know this was to hurt me as deeply as possible. I know it was also to win. Hell that was the problem every time we had an argument. Neither one of us would back down. And even now when we are not together, there is still a power play. And I lost. In my eyes both of us did.
One thing that I have learned is that as a man, it was my job to police our fights and arguments and be the peacemaker. I did not do this at all for us. And now I have no opportunity to.
I know that you decided to hate me. I know that you must have told everyone in your life what a horrible person you perceive me to be. I definitely made some mistakes. But I love you and wanted to spend me entire life with you with all of my heart. I know I could have corrected things and made us stronger. I wish you really loved me and didn't give up on me.
I wish you happiness. I assume that you have found it with someone, which has allowed you to pretend that we never happened. I hope that I find it too. I guess I will have to look at our relationship as a learning experience instead of a testimony. I have found love again too, or at least someone that loves me. However I can not love them back because my heart is still with another. This is still very hard for me, only because it was not hard for you. I thought we were the real thing.
I still have hopes and dreams and plans. All I hear is God's laughter. He is in hysterics actually. I know He will look out for me. Yesterday while cleaning, I found a little journal entry I made of the plans that I had for this year. I almost threw up. I didn't just throw it out. I had to burn it. 2013 was move in, engagement, marriage and maybe even a first child. All in one year. What a year! 2013 is now learning from my mistakes and waiting on God.
I wish that you could feel this way.
This is how I feel
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