I can not be heard.

The hardest part about this is not having a voice.   I can not be heard.  Writing is all I have.  I no longer vent to others much.   They all know that everything was my fault.  They all know the path I am on now.   They all support me and pray for me. 
I have two options with my current situation.   One is to fight with everything that I have to achieve what I want.   Unfortunately that is a delicate situation.   You took the bat out of my hands.   I can not be heard.   And if I try to I could potentially get in a lot of trouble.  So as much as I would love to be dramatic and put everything on the line, it is not really an option.  I am not afraid of getting rejected. I am afraid of the law.  The only way this could become a possibility is some sort of divine intervention.  The ball is in your court if we ever talk again. 
So the second option is to completely let it go.  Pretend that you don't exist and go on a quest to free my heart and find something shiny and new.   This is obviously the option that everyone tries to push me toward.   I know in my head that there are plenty of people who would want everything with me.   I already found that out.   But I am not ready to do that just yet.   You can not control your heart.   All I can do is slowly guide myself in that direction.
I may stop writing.   Or at least not as often.  Maybe when something that I want to remember for the future pops in my head.   I think this was a great idea at first.  It helped me get so many thoughts down.  It made me analyze so many things that I thought were issues of our relationship, but were really just issues with me.   This has enabled me to make important changes.   This has helped me find my faith.   I have been able to learn what God wants me to be as a man and as a husband and father.   But at this point, maybe it is causing me to hold on to something that I shouldn't.  
I wanted this year to go a certain way and it did not.   And I know that it will not.   I made plans and God giggled.   I miss my little family. 
I am still anxious about the future.   But none of us can change our past.  What lies ahead could be something more amazing than I have ever dreamed of.   And it will be built on the foundation that I am laying during this time.   Even if the future is not bright, I will accept it like a man and lie in the bed I have made.  
In life we don't always get the chance to fix our mistakes.   It kills us inside because we know how beautiful that second chance would be.   Then we hear God laughing.