Anger and attack.

 
Today I had to tell my story.  It is a very small world when you meet someone else who has faced what you have.  I should be dead.  I need to keep that perspective.   Coming that close to death needs to always be in your pocket. 
I continue to work with my doctors.  I need to figure out everything that is wrong.  Everything that has been undiagnosed.   I need to deal with all these things.  I can no longer deal with any type of threat like an solider coming home from war.   Anger and attack. 
But I will not give up on myself and I know others will not give up on me. 
There have been days lately dealing with things where I don't know how far I will make it.  Although a lot of good things have come together in my life, I am still sifting through my past and still have fears about the future. 
My life should have been gravy after the depths that I had sank to.   But somehow I lost that desperation.   Somehow I let blessings and gifts slip away. 
I need a best friend again.  Someone who will not give up on me and who will see me for who I am.  Someone I can protect.  Someone I can finally be open with. 
Things are really one day at a time right now.   So cliche but right now its true.  There is no plan.   Just tiny short term goals. 
I am sort of giving up on a miracle.  I thought that was the point of my story.   To have the firework ending.  But life rarely provides that.  Maybe to those who hit the walk off World Series homer.   Or to whoever wins Powerball.  But not for most of us.  I would love my dream to come true.  But in reality I will probably experience a slow ascension to something better than before. 
It is nice to finally understand what love is.   It can hurt like hell. 
At this point in my life, this is my last shot to be who I want to be.