smack in the middle

Today was difficult.   My head has never been this clear.  I see things through the clearest lenses.  I get it now.  I have the answers.  But knowing the answers and getting them are two different things. 
I want to take my heart out of my chest and put it on the table.   Scrape off a few parts and encourage a few parts to grow.   But that is impossible.   No surgery or any immediate remedy can get this all to make sense.   This is a growing and learning process and things will occur as they are supposed to. 
I have no doubts that I will be given everything that I need - in time.   But the waiting is the hardest part.   I know that this time is the most important period of my life.   It is just not always fun when you are smack in the middle of it. 
This on top of continuing to wonder if what I had was real, or if I was part of an agenda.   I do not want to ever wonder that again. 
The saying that timing is everything is very true.   And things rarely come when you want them to.  I had that once, but it was gone before I could save it.  And now great things are coming when I am not looking for them.