I am second.

I am second.   Its something that I have been learning in church.  They teach you to apply it to your everyday life, remembering that everything that you do is for God first, and yourself second. 

I wish I could apply this to you.   This would have kept us together.  I should have always put our relationship and your needs first and my own second.   I know that I did not do that.   And I know that practicing that one thing alone would have prevented all of my pain. 

I keep acting like I can fix it.  I can practice this lesson every day.    My friends keep reminding me that I might not get the chance.  I might have to apply it with someone else.   There cant be a someone else.   I cant fathom it. 

I keep thinking about Block Island.   Sitting on a couch, reading a book in comfortable silence.  I remember having a moment thinking that there is no place that I would rather be.   And that is because of who I was with, not where I was.  

There is a trip planned this summer.  I tell my friends to count me in plus one.  They probably think I am a joke at this point, but they keep supporting me. 

The guilt of not being able to be there for you right now is tearing me apart.   I deserve a place in hell for that. 

Please come home.